Ask, Don't Advise (published in 2008)
 Ever wonder why your sound advice falls on deaf ears?
Deb does. She’s been encouraging her 20-year old daughter to reconsider before rushing to have a child, but without success.
To make her case, Deb cited the financial impact, career challenges, lifestyle changes, newness of the marriage, etc. She was perplexed that none of her rational arguments prevailed, and described their conversations as the proverbial “in one ear and out the other.”
So what determines whether one’s counsel, born from years of hard-won experience, finds a receptive ear among those who possess far less? Why do people enthusiastically embrace one particular suggestion, take it to heart and use it to make decisions while completely ignoring another of apparent equal value?
Intuitive resonance.
This term refers to a harmonic connection between what one person is advising (an idea), and how the person receiving that message reacts to it intuitively (a gut feeling). Deb’s daughter wasn’t buying her mom’s advice because her own inner voice, or intuition, wasn’t entertaining similar ideas or concerns.
Unless there’s a connection between the counsel you give and the recipient’s own heartfelt intuition, your message will probably bounce right off. Why?
Cognitive research shows that we don’t make most decisions rationally, by dispassionately analyzing facts and options. Instead, we combine our thinking with some kind of emotional or intuitive sense — a sort of inner compass, if you will.
So when you’re trying to make a choice, you are combining what your thinking mind is saying with what your intuitive mind is feeling. Relying solely on one or the other often results in flawed decision-making.
The same persuasive process that occurs inside of us also occurs between two people. If my rational argument doesn’t connect with your intuitive feelings, you won’t seriously consider it.
Physicians, parents, teachers, counselors, ministers — all who dispense advice are utterly dependent on the presence of something in the other person that is already trending along the same lines, even if just in a murky way. Absent that, no amount of reasoning or convincing will cut it.
So, what should Deb do with her advice? Well, probably stuff it and, instead, ask her daughter a lot of open-ended questions, the kind that don’t have an implied answer imbedded in them. By genuinely exploring her daughter’s thinking and intuition around becoming a parent, rather than trying to insert her own viewpoint, Deb will probably motivate her toward more self-reflection and contemplation.
In contrast to advice-giving, asking someone non-leading questions helps them connect with their own inner wisdom and can initiate a subconscious decision-making process, not unlike what we refer to as “sleeping on it.” Ultimately, that person may not embrace what you believe is in their best interests, but they are more likely to critically examine their options before making a choice.
You want to influence someone?
Ask more. Advise less.